So, guess who wound up at the Doctor’s to have her heart checked for anxiety related symptoms?
Guess who had 2 weeks of heart pounding poison in her body linked to stress, fear, doubt, and emotional pain that added up to a heart pounding, throw up feeling in her throat for several days?
Miss emotional intelligence, Mrs. Yoga herself.
Yes, you can run but you can’t hide. It would seem with the holidays, and the usual overwhelming sensation of trying to get things done, a dissolving business partnership, and losing my amazing desk assistant, that I guess my stress went from high to higher. And yes, even with all my yoga techniques to try to bring myself down from it, I still found myself, after delivering a beautiful workshop with some of our amazing female students, in a place of horrible anxiety. I spent 2 hours with these women, opening our hearts, nurturing them and myself through simple yoga, breathing and meditation, and at the end of the night, like a wave, it all came crashing down on me.
I would have thought the opposite would have happened. I spent 2 hours in bed trying to calm myself down, my husband’s attempts to relax me with massage and cuddling didn’t even help. I felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest. My yoga breathing and releasing practices eventually relaxed me enough to fall asleep, but I woke up at 3:30 with a big burden still in my chest. I then read a book about anxiety and what it can do to you, as I ironically needed material to prepare me for a future workshop I am holding. Well, self-experience is the best material you can get.
So, what am I learning? I am learning that no yoga in the world will help you deal unless you get to the source and let go. So you can write letters and deliver them, or burn them. You can journal all you want. You can breathe deep, but nothing will change unless you change.
My heart physically hurts because I have experienced a lot of loss this past year, and ended it with a lot more loss than I thought I could handle. I count my blessings all the time, and I am grateful for all I have, but why can I not get this attachment to anger, doubt and fear to release?
Then it causes me shame since I KNOW better. This endless cycle needs to be resolved.
I can tell you what helped. Unplugging helped, I didn’t have my computer for a few days. I just stayed home with the snow, hung out with my gorgeous kids, cooked, and actually took 2 naps. I would have given anyone that same advice. No roofs came crashing down in those 2 days. But I am still left with the pain and the hurt in my heart that I have been done wrong and have done wrong myself.
How does one heal this? Well, with change, of course. Practices of forgiveness and compassion.
Communication to the friends and family that have hurt me may come later when I am ready. So for now, I will take all of my own advice.. rest, take time to heal, try not to get worked up about simple things, practice love, mindfulness, and move on. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, and then move on. Let it be, let it be…those are some wise words.
I am grateful for this experience I have had with myself so I can help others with it as well as me.
Be kind to yourself this year! Try some of my previous articles to help if you are dealing with too much stress lately!
Yoga Breathing for Anxiety
You can do this breathing practice just about anywhere to help clear the mind, calm the nerves and get those stress levels down.