I wrote a few weeks ago about my broken heart, and finding my way through one of the hardest times in my life.
Well, I know what I had to go through. I know I needed all of that to get HERE.
Here is now a wonderful place to be. It is full of uncertainty at times, as I begin to slowly crawl out of a large hole I dug for myself in my relationship.
But, as my footing becomes more stable, and I get better at finding the right leverage on a rocky wall that I at one time thought was keeping me safe, I no longer need it… so I let it crumble as I make my way out into the light.
Here is what happened:
My husband wanted to give up. At one point so did I earlier this year. THEN it hit me. I don’t want to give up on us, I want to give up on the MESS! WHAT AM I DOING??
I am going to lose everything, my home, my spouse, my family. I was broken already, but could I stand to be more broken? So I did some deep work. Meditated daily on it all, let my stuff come up, let the tears flow, the heartache come, the pain of loss. But there was still hope…so much of it. I couldn’t explain it but I knew my time was running out. Something had to break down. It did. I DID!
I reached out, broke down, and it all flowed out of me. My stuff, my words, my loss, my heartache, my past, my cycle that I needed to remove myself from.
I spoke, I wrote, I sent ALL of my heart out, put myself on the most vulnerable edge I could so I could prove to myself that I knew what I wanted. I know my soul could be whole on my own with a lot of healing, but my soul truly loves this man, and this life, so what the hell am I waiting for.
Relationships are such great teachers and they do not work without FORGIVENESS, LOVE and COMPASSION. They do not work with expectations and projections of shoulds and coulds.
WE HAVE TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER. We have to listen.
I know who my spouse is. I know better than anyone other than him, I know I love him deeper than I have loved anyone, and I know I got lost to anger, resentment, and hurt. I DIDN’T WANT TO FEEL THOSE THINGS ANYMORE!
Knowing I wanted no regrets, I put it all out there. And I could not be happier. We have a lot to figure out, but the thing is the figuring. It is not to be perfect now; perfection is never a goal. Our relationship legs are a little shaky, like getting off a boat after a major storm. But we are both grateful for the sun again, the light, and the calm waters.
I know I choose love. I always have, not sure how I missed that and decided to choose all the hurt instead, but now it is so clear: I choose love, I choose my husband, I choose my children, and I choose this truth of our life. And I am so grateful – to god, to my friends who went through all of this with me, my family who loves us no matter how crazy the storm was. I am grateful for life. Thank you.
And to my beautiful husband, I am so grateful to you.
Inner Work Meditation
Here is the meditation I did to get me to my big breakthrough. I did this for about 7 days, whenever I could get a quiet moment to reflect.
- Sometimes I sat, sometimes I lied down in fetal position to get inside deep.
- I took many deep breaths with sighs out the mouth.
- I turned off my hurt and anger, and tuned into what I was really feeling so hurt and angry about.
- I would say to myself, “I feel….”
- I would then say, “I know I need to let go of….”
- I revisited my past experiences of hurtful conversations with my spouse and turned off all anger in both directions, and just listened to what he was really saying. I told myself I would not feel hurt or take it personally – I just listened.
- Once I gathered that information up, I found the realization of truth in what he was saying, and I saw I was not listening, I was not responding to him, I was responding to my emotions and I was layering on the hurt and resentment.
- I sent love and lots of light to us both to heal, and prayed every day for the support to change and to allow him to hear me when I was ready to talk.
- I had 0 expectations of him wanting to resolve. I left that up to the universe. I knew the course of my life would shift one way or the other and practiced acceptance.
May this find you some healing. Dig deep and be well.