This is probably the toughest thing to approach in finding tranquility, because it includes other people. I find myself exhausted a lot at the end of a day, usually satisfied, but exhausted. There is a lot of doing going on, and not a lot of being on some days.
When you are playing the role you play to others, you are in other relationships all the time. People expect a lot from you, but sometimes are not always clear on what they want. In the end you let them down sometimes, and you might wonder why.
My kids do a great job at telling me how I let them down, or what upset them. We do a good job of letting them know they have a right to feel what they feel. Customers usually will let you know when they are satisfied or unsatisfied. I do a good job at letting them know I take all of that seriously. Where it gets complicated is with family and partners for must of us.
Speak your truth.
I come from a family where it was better to not tell people what you felt, you did not want to offend someone, even if they were in the wrong. I was a poor communicator of emotions from the beginning, I had two volumes, happy/satisfied, or angry/unsatisfied. I learned stonewalling from my family. You could always talk to Mom of course, she is the one who listens, but getting the message to the person who hurt you, and you were usually met with anger or dismay.
Today, I try to tell most people how I feel. With certain relationships, I am met with challenge, usually that I have no right to feel what I feel. I find that I have to let those kind of people say what they need to say first, sort of the dumping ground so they can release, then I have to be submissive to it and pretend that it is all ok just so we can move on. I do not do well that that.
It is hard to be so unheard all the time. It is tiring initiating all the guts in a relationship all the time. You have to be the planner, the communicator, the nurturer, the initiator and of course know your role of expectation well. Sounds a bit one sided to me.
When you are busy with all your other roles, it is hard to keep up with the ones where people expect the most out of you. Here is what I know about myself and my relationship wish list for all of my important relationships.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I don’t want to be the one who hurts someone else.
I want to be accepted for who I am.
I don’t want to be the one who is doing all the work, making the phone calls, setting up plans, and creating the space for intimacy.
I want to be submissive, but also want that from my other relationships too, I cannot always be the one who bends.
I do want to feel special, and loved.
I do not want to be the one who surrenders all the time.
I do want to feel heard.
I do want to feel like I matter, in a sincere way.
I don’t want to be the one who always has to figure the other person out, I want it to be an equal effort.
Bend in the Wind
I have these really cool shells I got from North Carolina with pictures drawn on them of seaside symbols. One of them is of beach grass, and the symbol is about bending in all kinds of wind. Be the one who bends. I use that image a lot in my relationships. I know I bend a lot. It feels good sometimes to have that flexibility. It is hard to be in relationships with others who do not bend and always get to play the role of the wind.
Let today be a day of relationship awareness for you. Make your wish-list and then write about what you could do better for your relationships with family and/or partners. Write about what you are still healing from and what is preventing you from healing.
I wish you all find that tranquil space in your heart to know that you are loved, accepted and compassionate. It all begins at the source with ourselves. If we all had those three things, we would be good to one another.
I found this really nice and well written blog this morning too if you want to check out more useful information on this topic.